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Hi.

Moved on June 15 to the house we were supposed to move into originally a year back.

Not a bad place but it lacks central air conditioning. It gets really hot upstairs (its a raised ranch) but down here it's cooler most of the time.

Recently I got into an argument with my parents and they demanded that I find a career to go into within a month or I get kicked out of the house. I have a hard time thinking about it. But I think that I've also been too cold and argumentative with my parents recently. I haven't been treating them very well at all and in many ways I feel bad about it, but in others I feel glad as it gives me a sense of individuality and freedom, two things that I have longed for. I really need to start acting nicer to them and think about the good things they've done. Maybe I'm just looking at this the wrong way: seeing your parents as controlling the child and making him do as they please. I also had the recurring thought that perhaps my parents want to see you do better so that they can make themselves look better socially. "Oh yeah, my son is into so-and-so," etc. I suppose it's a toss-up between this and a deeper desire to actually see me do better, but only they know. They are very focused on working/careers and tend to be mundane, which isn't a bad thing, but I'm not very mundane at all. I'm more spiritual and non-materialistic, although I will not deny the material urges I get from time to time.

In fact, one of these material urges I received in May when I bought into a near-scam program called "Russ Dalbey's Winning in the Cash Flow Business." Basically, its about the cash flow note business, which is the buying and selling of IOU's, which are personal mortgages between two people instead of the bank. I would get paid a commission for connecting an investor looking to buy a note and the seller of the note. I forget the original price for the kit, but I think it was somewhere between $50 and $100. But after I started, they wanted $3000 because I was going into the "Protege Program" which apparently only the best of the best can get into. Now at that time, I had suspicions of this being a scam but I knew I had to get started in some type of career to make money. The problem was that I was focused on manifesting a certain dream sport yacht that I wanted, so I went along with the program and trusted myself that I could do this. I paid the $3000 in June, hoping that with this program I would later refund that money with the note commission sales that I would get. It ended up being one of the biggest financial mistakes of my life. Much of the material I was promised I did not get, including the 200 free note leads. The Protege Lessons turned out to be very irritating as I needed a financial calculator for only one lesson, my internet connection was down quite a bit in June as we were moving, and the biggest part being that they don't really help you. They tell you what you need to do, but fail to tell you HOW to do it (save for the telephone scripts). Once I realized that, I stopped reading the lessons and went in search of an easier way to get money. I was blinded at that time in getting cash quick to get out of my horrible lifestyle and to get that yacht and riches I have dreamed of. So, being blind, I signed up for a service that sells personal loans through a website that every client is assigned. Again, another commission based business. For every loan sold, I would receive $500 and the gathered sum would be mailed to me at the end of every month. I didn't receive any money in my first month however, so I called and demanded a refund. They told me however a full refund is issued at the 11th month from the billing date and only if I had not received 20,000 visitors to my page at that point. Also learning that the $3000 I paid to the other program was non-refundable (the 30 day money back was for the starting kit only), I completely gave up on both programs. In the end, it was all very very foolish, as I now realize that I was being very lazy and selfish in trying to change my situation, and looking like an idiot in the process. But I did learn that there's no easy way out in something that takes work and effort to earn, be it a material object or a position in life. You have to work at it and push aside what you feel about it if you're serious in getting a high position since dreams can conflict with feelings, but these feelings indicate how you would feel if that dream was manifested. In this case I should have listened to my feelings more. Perhaps it was a sense of justification to make my life seem better, but if that was the case, that's definitely gone now.

Also recently my sister convinced me to have a few of her friends over for a "party" since my parents were out for their summer vacation. I said sure, not knowing that her friends would invite their friends and soon over 20 were invited. I told her to call them back and no more than 10 are allowed over. What really got me peeved was when I saw a bottle of Tequila on the counter, and these kids are all underage of course, and I realized I was the scapegoat of this whole thing, being 21. Regardless I broke my promise to my sister by telling my parents of this event, since she really deserved justice on this one for using me as a tool and the "nice guy." My father had a feeling that my ex-gf Jill was behind the scenes on this one and I tend to agree with him. When she hugged me, I saw her look and I knew what that meant. "Thanks for making me manipulate you even though you had absolutely no idea, dumbass." Think again, bitch.

But anyways...this party personally meant a lot to me, because it proved that The Secret, the Law of Attraction, is real. Back in 2000, our family was driving through an area and I particularly liked a house that I saw. I commented on it, saying it'd be a nice place to live in. I thought about having a huge party in there and everyone enjoying themselves. As the years went on by, suddenly in August 2005 our business closes and we decided to move into a new house, because it was too big for us, so it went. In December of that year we bought a white raised ranch in the same town and started to rework the entire insides of it, redesigning much of it through the months up until the summer of 2006 when we had to make a decision. We had little money and trying to unsuccessfully sell our house, the white house was rented out for a while until we finally moved out in December 2006 to a house very much in the back woods of the town. We stayed there for 6 months and on June 15 of this year, finally moved into the raised ranch. But even before that point, I had realized that the raised ranch was the same house that I had commented on back in 2000. It totally blew me away that the Law of Attraction really worked, but unfortunately I failed to learn from experience and didn't use this information to help better myself. Not until Simone's little underage drunken fest on July 5 did I realize that this party was the same drunken party that I had visualized 7 years ago. Again, I was blown away, but this time, as I recall this experience, I realize that I have to apply this principle in my life now to better myself. It's just a matter of switching my thinking patterns over to this from going inside my mind.

More and more anger gets pent up inside me the longer I stay being a cashier. Its a real "rat in a cage" job now more than anything. The problem is finding a career that I love and getting the money I need to sustain myself. I love to write, but I don't believe it will rake in the money that I need, but I could definitely be wrong. I still hold onto my dream that my up-and-coming science fiction series, The Primmer, will sustain me over the long run, considering that its one of the key things in life I believe I'm supposed to do here. I absolutely love my series and believe that you should do what you love instead of what you hate, which is the primary reason I'm not keen on the idea of working a 40 hour workweek.

And starting this year I can't stop about thinking about The Primmer. More and more ideas come in about this universe everyday, so much I had to start up my own wikipedia over at elwiki.com to keep my thoughts organized. I absolutely love the images that pour into my head and wonder how they will manifest into the reader's thoughts. If the reader is curious as to how I see these images I envision it all as a free-flowing movie, carefully piecing together the images I received like a gigantic puzzle needing to be put together.

So far I have the series under a gigantic set structure that works like this: every book is called an Arc, and 12 of these Arcs make up an Epic. There are 3 planned Epics for The Primmer series which makes 36 books, which I'm thinking is too unrealistic, but my passion for writing is saying otherwise. I have the entire first Epic, simply named "Epic 1," planned out as far as plots are concerned, although some details are lacking in a few spots I'll admit. That's 12 books with a plotline, and I think that's something I should be more proud about than I am, though I suppose I would be happier if I can actually write these books out instead of just planning the plots out (although I have started to write the draft of the first Arc). Still a significant achievement.

Luna

We are who we envision in our own minds. Just don't let that vision take over your reasoning or your thought process, or you'll see everything he's seeing. And then, before you know it, you're living his life. Or not.

But envision this: you've been lied to. You can only have what you want if you work for it. When we were kids, we were told we could have anything we wanted. So, like children, we waited for our presents, not knowing the fact that getting what we want involves work. We weren't shown the process of hard work paying off later. We didn't pick up that work part along the way, and grew up to be these lazy slobs and brats who demands everything for nothing in return.

We're still kids at heart. The lesson needed to be learned, is that only work brings us what we want. Harder the work, the better the rewards. Most of the time.

Priority Shift

Time to shift the important things in my life.

I need to pay far more attention to Russ Dalbey's course from this point on. This is my chance of making large amounts of money and I can't throw it away from laziness and apathy this time. I need to get off my ass. Most importantly, you need to start thinking about it more. While your story is pretty damn cool, you're also using it as an escape from what you should be doing. Don't be afraid.

Happy 6th Anniversary

Empire's Cradle turns 6 today. What better way than to celebrate with the announcement of Starcraft 2? Not that I would be celebrating a livejournal anniversary, but this has lasted quite a while, so I make sure that I make note of it every year.
5/5/2007 at 5:55 pm.

Sup.

May. 4th, 2007

Mankind cannot be of a hive mind, yet my perception states that we are all actually one being. Like thoughts inside your mind, some get along, and others don't.

Came down here because we grow faster here. Through every pain we'll have knowledge to deal with the hurt in our loved ones. And our emotions.
Responsibility. You are responsible for where you are now. No one else is. Just do what you have to do, and it'll all fall into place.

Responsibility, of course, also applies to your career.
That so-called pain you feel is jealousy.
The biggest challenge to overcome is my selfishness.

There are Others. Other souls. We're in this together.

A part of me still doesn't think so. So I'm still undecided. I can't sit on this fence forever.

So how do I beat over my other self?

I am so sick of this internal battle. It's been way too long.

But just know, that if you're thinking of a better place in the next life, this promise was broken from the start. You are responsible. You need to not only look out for yourself, but look out for others as well. They will need your help in the future.

If you can see...that others take top priority in your life, then not only will others also help you out, but no longer will you be angry at all the minor inconveniences of life. Anger is the sign that you've strayed off path.

Also remember not to run to music if you can't deal with a problem at hand. While it can help you, don't let it bury your problem.

But why is this feeling still here? After all the work I've done? Is this...loneliness...? I do seek a connection with other people...no matter how many times I seem to deny it...But why do I always avoid this connection? Everytime I realize this, I back off. Am I hurt that easily?

I need to change. This is the first step.

Ultimately, I want to help people out, deep down in my heart. So I am really sensitive, but if I can control my emotions and forgive people for their actions, I can not only bring out the best in them, but also the very best in me.

and i know you remember
how we could justify it all
and we knew better
in our hearts we knew better
and we told ourselves it didn't matter
and we chose to continue
and none of that matters anymore
in the hour of our twilight
and soon it will be all said and done
and we will all be back together as one
if we will continue at all
-Zero-Sum, Nine Inch Nails
All day so far I have been playing Command & Conquer 3 online. I have lost every single online match save for one, when the other team quit. Pathetic, isn't it?

Apparently, this girl from India has the hots for me. So far, I've been too much of a pussy to really make any advances. Then again, the circumstances at the time had me very angry as her IM crashed the C&C 3 game I was playing.

You know, I'm so fucked up. I know I've said this way too many times in this journal, but at this point it is still true. I can't figure out of the universe pushing me to change my life, or if the energies today are just totally incompatible with me. I'm vying towards the latter.